On compliments

The other morning, a woman I work with popped by my desk to ask me a question. There was a potentially prickly issue that she needed to deal with; some new requirements that we had to communicate to a sensitive client. She outlined the situation to me, and I gave her my $0.02 on the matter.

It was only after she left that I stopped to think.

I’ve been in this position for right around a year at this point. In 2008 and 2009, I briefly managed some tangential programs within this unit as part of a management training program, but have only been working on this particular program since I re-joined this unit in the fall of 2010.

My co-worker has been working on these programs for 20-odd years.

I found myself wondering why on earth she would possibly come to me for advice – I'm the kid (there are a number of folks I work with that are certainly old enough to be my parents), the rookie (even if you add up my time in management training, I have just under two years’ experience here – a little bit more than a couple of people, but not by a lot), the n00b…

I’ve come to the conclusion that it must be because she respects my opinion.  I am oddly uncomfortable with this.

I threw it out on Twitter not that long ago that one of my ex-staff had called me an inspiration and a role model, and that this also made me uncomfortable. When someone seeks me out for advice and guidance, I feel like an impostor. As if any minute now they will see through the façade of confidence and intelligence that I put on, and realize that the only reason I am in this job is because I was fortunate enough to move up through that management program, that I ‘cheated’ my way to where I am, and that there are plenty of other folks out there that are just as smart and insightful as I am, and that the only reason they haven’t made it quite this far is because they missed out on a now-defunct program. I guess this ties in to my post a while back about leadership pathways, about how where I am is mostly a result of accidents and circumstance.

I wouldn't call myself insecure. I am confident in my skills and abilities. I don’t have low self-esteem. I believe that no matter how overwhelming things sometimes seem, I will be able to get through them, one step at a time, even if it just about kills me. I step back when I know that I'm in over my head. I admit that I don't know what I don't know.

I just do what I do; I don’t know that there’s anything particularly remarkable, inspirational, or role-model-esque about it.

I don’t entirely know that there’s a point to this post, other than getting my thoughts on this out in the open, but if there is, it would probably be to thank L, J, E, and P for their recent compliments, both open and implied. I am humbled, and I hope I can continue to live up to the high bar that I have apparently set for myself.